Dear Annie, Love Finnick
by TheGreatestLesson
Summary: Finnick's last letter to Annie before he leaves for the rebellion in the Capitol.


**Dear Annie, Love Finnick **

My dear Annie,

I hope you never have to read this letter because if you do, that means that we've either lost or I'm dead.

In a few hours, I will be leaving for the Capitol. I will fight the people who tried to take you from me and I will make sure that the man who did this to us is dead. I know you hate me for this, but it's something I have to do. After everything they have put us both through I cannot sit by and do nothing. I have to get my own revenge – I know that it's something you don't understand (I don't understand it either), but I have to do it. For us. But know that I will be thinking of you and of our time together every minute that I'm away from you and I will fight until I'm back in your arms, where I belong.

I remember the first day that first properly brought us together. It was your Reaping Day, and when I heard your name being called out my heart sank, because I knew it was my fault. We had met only a few months previously and had only become casual friends but it was enough for Snow. Any kind of relationship that I had with a girl could threaten my image in the Capitol; therefore you had to be eliminated. And with the upcoming Games, what better way than that? I watched you walk up onto the stage and it was then that I realised I had to be your mentor because I needed to do anything to get you back to your family. I couldn't let another child die because of me. It was my fault that this happened to you Annie, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I remember when we were on the train and I remember the way you looked. You tried so hard to keep up that barrier between the real you and the rest of us. You tried so hard to be brave and unaffected…but I could see through it. I was the only one who could see how scared you were, and I was the only one who you let in. And I was so grateful for that. I still am. Thank you, for letting me past those walls and for letting me in all those years ago. At first I tried to keep my distance and not get attached because that would make this so much harder. But when I heard you quietly crying at night, I couldn't leave you alone. I was the only one who you would let hold you and comfort you until your tears dried up. But then you would laugh and tease and pretend that nothing was wrong. But I could still see the fear in your eyes and it made me sick – how someone could do this, not just to you but to hundreds of other children. It made me want to kill someone again.

And then came the training. I had to sit by and watch you train to kill or be killed. I had to look at you every night and see how hard you were trying to be tough and immediately I knew what you were doing; you were trying to get yourself in with the Careers. I didn't know whether I was angry or impressed with that. Either way, it's what you did. After a while they accepted you and you officially became a Career tribute. And there was nothing I could do about it, because as much as I hated to admit it I knew it was your best chance of survival. The training scores and interviews passed by in a blur for me. I could never bring myself to focus on them because I hated them with all of my being. I hated the way that the Game makers judged these children like prize animals. Who is more likely to kill everyone else, wonder? What are the odds, and are they in their favour? And I hated the way that they put them all up for show, like they weren't forcing all of them to fight to the death. I hated how they had to pretend to be attractive and funny and fierce, purely because they relied on the goodwill of the citizens to let them live. Otherwise they would die in the most disgusting way possible, all in the name of entertainment. I couldn't watch them do that to you. I just couldn't.

I remember the day of the Hunger Games arriving. Watching you struggle to survive like that was almost too much to bear. I did anything and everything I could to get as many people to sponsor you as possible. But it was out of selfish reasons. I did it because you were in there because of me and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't get you out. You say I'm the best person you have ever met but you're wrong – everything I have ever done has been selfish but you just can't see it. But my attempt to help was only just enough. They sent you some food, but you had to share that out between the Careers so it never went very far. You had a knife and you managed with that, but I knew it was only a matter of time before it wasn't enough. I had never felt more helpless in my life, watching you in that arena desperate to survive. My help just wasn't enough for that and I'm sorry for that. I wanted to resent you for choosing the Careers because I know what they do; I've watched them year after year murder people in the most sickening way purely for sadistic pleasure. I tried, but watching your mind deteriorate hour after hour, day after day…I couldn't do it. I could see what being with them was doing to you and I had to at least get you away from them. But you couldn't. You couldn't without being killed yourself, and you were a survivor so you were not going to let that happen. Finally, you did manage to escape them but I'm so sorry it took seeing that done to your district partner for that to happen.

When you ran off and hid, I knew then that you might be finally in with a chance of winning. And when the flood came, then that was it. You were from District 4 and clearly the best swimmer. So I hoped, I prayed that it would be you that got lifted up out of the water. And when I saw your limp form clinging to the ladder, I felt like my heart had been relieved of a weight that was slowly and painfully crushing me. After so long, I could finally breathe. After so long, I felt hopeful and something akin to happiness. Thanks to you. I needed to see you again; I needed to touch you to know that you were alright, that you were going to live. I left immediately to find you and hold you like I did those nights on the train.

But then I saw you, and I knew that you weren't alright. You were strapped down to the bed, kicking and screaming and crying because of what you had seen. Because of what they had done. And it broke my heart Annie, it broke my heart seeing you broken like that. I wanted to scream and cry with you, but I couldn't. There was too much anger and hatred in me towards the monsters that did this to you to let the tears come. So I held you and comforted you while the Games tortured you even after they were over. I swore to myself that I wouldn't let them get away with it. Someday, I would make Snow pay for what he did. Honestly, I thought that it would be something I could hold onto when I couldn't handle what he was doing to me anymore. I never actually thought that I would be given this opportunity, but now that I have it I'm going to take it with both hands. I'm going to make him suffer for what he did to you, no matter how much it hurts to leave you. There is no death too slow or too painful for Snow for what he has done. And if I don't come back, know that I died thinking of the feeling of you in my arms, and that I died happy knowing that I did what I could for your sake.

I don't know if you remember the interview and recap of the Games, but I do. I remember every second of it, because I was burning with hatred and a rage that I had never felt before. It was so powerful I thought it would consume me and I would end up killing someone. I was disgusted that after everything they took from you: your family, your innocence, everything…after all that they still wanted to take away that little bit of stability that they had left you with. They made you watch yourself kill people, they made you watch other people get killed, and they made you watch what happened to the boy from our district. It made me sick! Watching you break down once more killed me, Annie. I had to watch them drag you off as you begged them to make it end, to make it stop. I had to watch as they sedated you and took you back to the hospital.

They declared you mad and everyone believed them: the Capitol; the districts; even you. You would stare off into space, eyes unfocused and hands shaking so hard I had to hold them between mine (they were so cold, so pale, so thin). You asked me if it was true, if you were crazy, out of your mind, unfixable. I held you against me, kissed your head and told you it was all lies while I silently cried over the person that you could have been. I told you you weren't crazy. You were just broken and broken things can be mended. Tears started falling from your eyes but you registered neither them nor my words. You weren't even in this world. I could see you trapped in your own mind and you couldn't break free. They could have done anything they wanted to me and it wouldn't have hurt as much as watching you fight against your own body, and watching you lose. I would have done anything to bring you back to me, to your family, to your home. But there was nothing I could do – I could only watch and pray.

It was around then that I realised I loved you. I didn't fall in love with the strong, confident and courageous fighter that went into the Games. No, I fell desperately in love with the brave but helpless and broken young woman that came out. I fell in love with the girl that had seen too much and whose mind was not as strong as she was. I fell in love with the fragile girl who needed me and who I never realised I needed. You saved me Annie. You don't know how much you saved me. You finally gave me something to live for. Every time I had to sell myself to the Capitol and I felt like I couldn't cope with it anymore, I would think of you waiting for me back home and it gave me strength to keep going. You hated that I had to take care of you, but it was that that helped me. I stayed up with you to keep the dreams away; I held you when you screamed until you stopped seeing what had happened to you; I brought you back into this world when you started to drift; I kissed you to remind you that you are not mad, that you are fixable; I kissed you to remind you that I loved you and to remind myself that you were still here and I wasn't going to let them take you away from me.

I remember the first time we were together properly, as two people in love. After being a Capitol whore ever since I was 16, I had forgotten that sex should be something beautiful and loving. The thought of touching someone in that way disgusted me because of how I had been forced to do it for so long. Usually it is the man who has to wait until the girl is ready, but this time you waited for me. You waited until I was ready without pushing me and I loved you even more for that. You reminded me of what it should be like. After years of feeling filthy and disgusting and worthless you showed me that I'm none of those things. You showed me what it is like to be intimate with someone you love, that I'm more than some prostitute and I will never be able to express to you how grateful I am to you for that. Like I said, you saved me.

The few years we have had together have been the most beautiful and happy in my entire life. Whenever you were near me, I felt whole. You were a piece of me that I didn't even know was missing. Whenever I had to leave, my arms always longed to wrap themselves around you. I had to kiss you once more. I needed you near me always. But our time together was always too short and too precious. I thought that Snow could at least give me those couple of weeks we had together before I was dragged away again, but no. It was too much for the likes of me to ask for and once again he tried to separate us, purely because we rebelled against him in our own small way. I rebelled by loving you, and you rebelled by escaping his death trap. Sometimes I wonder if he allowed you to live, so that I would be forever in his debt. If that is true, then I _am_ forever in his debt because he allowed me to spend just a little longer with you. Any time with you is better than none and I will take any way to be with you that I can. But he still has to pay for what he's done. I cannot let him go unpunished.

I remember watching the Quarter Quell being announced on our TV. I remember there being a heartbeat of silence after he read out what was in the envelope. No-one could believe it; no-one could understand it. And then I remember your screams ripping my whole being in two. There was nothing I could do to help you, except hold you and kiss you as you relived every horrific moment of your own Games. You clung to me so hard that you left bruises in my skin but still I wanted you to hold me tighter. I couldn't believe after all this time you were still going to torn from me. I remember us crying together and holding each other all night because there was no doubt in either of our minds whose names would be drawn from those bowls. I made myself another promise that night. I swore to myself that you were getting out of that arena, even if I had to rip it down with my bare hands. If it was just you and I left, you would be the one who would walk free. I wouldn't be able to live through watching you get killed. I wanted to protect you for selfish reasons– I wouldn't be able to get through it if you were gone and I loved you too much to let that death get its claws on you. I would rather dismember myself limb from limb than let you suffer any more.

In the nights leading up to the Reaping, we would both wake up screaming and crying in the middle of the night. We would kiss and fall asleep in each other's arms, as if to reassure ourselves that we were still together in our house by the beach and we still had time together. It was not over yet, we still had time. But now we had an expiration date and it made our love more desperate. We drank in every inch of each other that we possibly could, because it may have been one of the last opportunities. Every second of every day we stayed by each other. But it wasn't enough. It could never be enough.

I remember the victors of District 4 gathering in the square the day that we all dreaded and hated with every cell in our body. When that ridiculous woman reached her hand into the bowl with the few female name slips, I prayed with all my might that just this once, life will be kind and someone else will be chosen. But the odds are never I our favour and your name echoed around the buildings…along with your hysterical cries. I was frozen. My heart had been crushed and even though I knew this was coming, I felt like someone was ripping my heart and my stomach out from my body. I felt like a child again – completely helpless and so weak. I couldn't help you as the peacekeepers tried to drag you onto the stage. I could do nothing. But Mags could. When she volunteered to take your place, you cannot imagine how relieved I felt. What kind of monster does that make me? For a split second, I was glad that instead of the woman I love dying, the woman who has been everything to me ever since I was 14 would be dying instead. Yet another person who I would never be able to pay back for everything they have done for me and who I knew would be willing to die so I could live. I wished that I had died in my own Games instead and saved everyone this pain and heartbreak. You had already been taken away by the time that my own name was called out, but there was no chance for goodbyes. There was no one last kiss, there was no one last hug, there was no one last anything. We had been prematurely ripped from each other and it was only after the train started moving that I remembered all the things that I needed to and probably never would say. I cried into Mags shoulder that night, just wishing that it wouldn't end like this.

When I found out about the plan for the rebellion, everything changed. Haymitch Abernathy approached me and told me that District 13 is still alive and they, along with the Head Game maker and a large portion of victors, are planning a rebellion again Snow and the Capitol. This opened up a way for me to get back to you and a way for us to escape Snow's clutches. We would be able to be together without the constant fear of being punished for not doing exactly what Snow wants. Of course I jumped at this chance and swore to do everything I could to help. I played my part in the training and in the arena. Whenever the flashbacks and memories of what happened to me so many years ago threatened to take over, I thought of how soon we would be reunited and how perfect our lives together would be. When we lost Mags to the poisonous fog, I knew she would have wanted me to keep going and finish this. So I did, for both your sakes. When we finally managed to destroy the force field surrounding the arena and we were lifted out, I could only think of how soon I would see you and how you would be waiting for me. So we travelled to 13, none of us barely conscious, but even in my dreams I could only think about holding you again.

Except you weren't there. You weren't on the hovercraft and you weren't in District 13. I knew immediately what had happened. The Capitol had got there before we could and you were now out of my reach. All I could think of was what they were doing to you. All I could think about was how I couldn't help you, and how abandoned you must have felt and the tortures that Snow was putting you through. I would have swapped places with you in a heartbeat, so long as you were safe. It broke me. I couldn't handle the thought of you being tortured by that monster and it broke me. I knew that once again you were hurting because of me. I will never be able to make it up to you, what happened to you when you were there is unforgivable and once again it's my fault. Every hour felt like a lifetime as I waited. I'm not certain what I was waiting for, but I waited. I waited for you, I waited for the end, I waited for a solution. I waited for something, anything that would stop his pain and this guilt. And it drove me insane. So when they told me that they were finally going to rescue you, I finally felt like my heart was beating again and I could start to think clearly. I was going to have you in my arms again and I was going to be able to kiss you until both our lips were sore and we were drowning in our own happiness and our own tears.

I remember seeing you again, and once more you saved me. Having back in my arms where you belong saved me. Because I loved (still love) you more than anything and you were by my side and you still loved me. Incredibly, after everything that I put you through you still loved me. But somehow, it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough for us to be together in the physical sense. I wanted more. I told you that I'm selfish, and I was never more selfish than when I asked you to marry me, because I wanted you to be mine in every way possible. I wanted us to be tied so tightly that there was no way for us to be separated again. And when you said yes, I knew you wanted that too. I felt like every single second of my life had been leading up to that moment, that one syllable that suddenly made everything ok. I loved you so much that I wanted to hold you and kiss you and never let go. I wished that we could have stayed in that perfect minute of my life forever. I wanted to forget about the rebellion, I wanted to forget about the Capitol, I wanted to forget about Snow, I wanted to forget about everything except you. Always except you.

I remember seeing you for the first time on our wedding day, and I remember feeling like my heart would burst. I remember them taking way too long to announce us as husband and wife and I remember how there were no words to describe how much you meant to me and how much I loved you. I could see the way that you looked at me and suddenly I could see our life together as if we had already lived it. How ironic is that? If you are reading this, then that means we have no future together, and it kills me more than you can ever know. I wanted to spend every second I had with you, but now that's never going to happen and it hurts me so much. When we kissed, it was suddenly as if the whole world melted away. The only thing in my head was the feeling of your lips on mine and I swear the whole crowd could hear my heart thumping in my chest. You were so beautiful, you were so perfect and you were mine. You were mine and not even the whole of Panem could take that away from me. And in the few short weeks that you were my wife, it felt almost too good to be true. And it was. We still couldn't escape Snow's tyranny and I still have to fulfill the promise I made to myself so many years ago to make sure Snow is wiped from the face of the earth! So now I have to leave you, and you can never know how sorry I am for that.

I'm sorry that I couldn't keep that one promise you asked of me. I'm sorry that I have to leave you alone. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I have no right to ask, but I want you to do something for me. Please. I want you to be happy. I want you to live your life like you always wanted to. I want you to bring as much joy to other people's lives as you did to mine. That way, I will leave you knowing that you will still be a much needed light in this dark world. Please do this for me.

I love you.

Your Husband, Finnick Odair

Annie reads this last letter with tears streaming unrelentlessly down her face, her despair threatening to choke her. The saltwater drips down onto the paper, smudging some of the ink. But she can't bring herself to care that she may be damaging her last real piece of her Finnick. All Annie can think about is his last request of her. "I will try, Finn. I will try, I promise." She sobs as she gives in to the crushing black hole he left in her heart and in her mind. The next time she speaks hours later, her words come out as barely a whisper. "And you didn't leave me alone." She places one shaking hand on her stomach and looks towards the Finnick created from her mad and broken mind, who is standing beside her. "Not really."


End file.
